Category: funny how

  • hipsteroid rage

    hipsteroid rage

    The problem of hipsters. Nobody is one, yet everyone complains about them. It’s a bit like environmental damage: everybody thinks someone else needs to change.

    I am listening to the couple at the next table lament how hip this neighbourhood has become. On this leafy street they can no longer find a seat, on a sunny Saturday, and it’s all because of hipsters. The woman has a chic-knotted green scarf and little red shoes. But that’s just the trouble: if I say, yeah, I wish I were cool enough to qualify as hip but sadly, I lack the raw materials… I come off sounding like I wanna be *too* cool ~ hip enough to not even care about not being hip.

    Like my neighbours, I like a quiet street which is not too crowded with popularness. Yet I want the cafes to be good enough to draw such a crowd: Great coffee. Decent service. Music that doesn’t depress me. Essentially I am wishing failure & suffering on the businesses I claim to support: or partial success. “Emerging artist” status.

    It’s like indie bands. One must discover a talent that is great enough to be worth a thorough listening; but not so great that it’s filling stadiums. Like infinite growth on a finite globe, this enterprise seems to me destined to failure. And failure is to hipsterism as stubble is to chic: a whiff of it, you’re a groovy artist. Too much and you’re under a bridge. Hipster or dumpster. It’s bloody brutal.

    The other problem with hipness, or as I think of it, ‘atmosphere’, is it requires a willing peasantry. This groovy part of Berlin is enjoyable because of its mix of cultures and the picturesque and endearing ways that troubled souls, drug addicts and unorthodox people fill the streets with life. I don’t see any of these hipster-allergic folk wanting to move to the suburbs, or to genuine country communities where there may be very few artists. Other human beings serve as background scenery: a form of tourism. The scenery’s got to be grating enough to be ironic, to set the heroic Self free in bold, beautiful relief against its lesser-talented background. Like Park Slope.

    H2O HoL hipster shroom

  • pessimist the point

    Pessimists (cynics) invariably believe they are ‘realists’ and therefore can smugly feel that optimists must sooner or later knuckle down ~ that is, be beaten down by ‘reality’ & ‘experience’ ~ and join them. I’ve realized the reason optimists know we are optimists is because it is jolly hard work. To assess the world truthfully ~ and garner experience, and learn from it ~ and still stay true to the knowledge of the essential goodness of most human hearts (check out your nearest toddler for example) ~ this is difficult and exacting. And it requires far more toughness & strength than merely retreating into the told-you-so comfort zone of Martin Seligman’s zinger “A pessimist would rather be right than be happy.”

  • kingship vs kinship

    kingship vs kinship

    I hated twitter for a long time before I realised I knew nothing about it. What a snob. I had pictured a whole lot of people chatting about nothing – but had no personal experience to back this up. So over December and January this year, I conducted a twitter experiment.

    First I opened an account @cathoel and started saying things into the void. Like an ignorant guest at a dinner party who speaks without waiting to listen. I’ve since discovered a lot of people do this – broadcast rather than tune in. Me, me, me.

    My first interest was as a poet and writer – could such short morsels be a form of discipline? I sent out a few instant poems, line by line. Eventually I noticed that other tweeting poets interlarded their own work with banners & brandishings. “Come see my blog! I got published in Magazine X! My poetry’s great!” So I set another little candle in the water, @cathoeljorss. Plain poetry, no chaser, no commentary, no celebrity.

    As with facebook, it took me some time to work out what twitter could be for, in my world. Imagine television was invented right now. Wow! You might sit in front of it for a whole day. You might be going, Jeez, this is amazing, how incredible, it’s… kinda boring though. Much of twitter is like daytime television, only worse.

    After a while – if you stuck with it – you might start to discover the streams of cooler water, the refreshing elements that interested you. Animation. Arthouse movies. Indigenous programming. What I did was found someone whose approach I liked and then mined their list of ‘follows’ to find more interesting people to ‘follow.’

    I still can’t say ‘follow’ without inverted commas. It feels religious. I am not looking for a leader and I don’t want anyone to follow me. I think it’s retro. I think humanity and history are both at a stage where we need all hands on deck – everyone’s wisdom is essential, and the unheard voices are the ones we most need to hear. As the Transition Towns groundswell puts it, we need to start “harnessing the genius of the community.”

    With this in mind I went back to twitter and opened a third account: @exmalcolmfraser. Malcolm Fraser is a former Prime Minister I admire because (in part because) at the Ideas Festival in Adelaide in 2003 he said, to a packed house, he felt more kinship with the Labor leaders of the day than with his own former Liberal colleagues. He said he wasn’t sure how much the Left in Australian politics had just shifted to the conservative Right – and how much his own maturity as a person was evolving so that he had become more and more compassionate and humane. I admire his humility and his kindness, expressed in action.

    The tagline for @exmalcolmfraser is “an invitation to elders, mothers, statesmen, and all indigenous cultures to speak on public currents & events.” Which brings me to a difference I have noticed in the way I use twitter as opposed to the way it is most commonly used. I have little interest in promulgating Brand Me. I am a person, not a brand. I like my own work to be credited and read but I am more interested in society as a whole – @ustopia – and it seems to me by evolving several, more specialised little channels on twitter I can save people time so they get to subscribe to the one that interests them the most. I feel this new tool, still unwieldy in our hands, has a powerful potential for addressing one of the main issues that seems to me to be causing all this destruction and grief. Which is:

    We’re not listening to each other! We’re not hearing one another. An Aboriginal man peacefully protesting is bundled into the paddywagon as though he were a danger to the state. Indigenous Brazilians are driven off their land. Older women are routinely invisible, all the knowledge, all the love, all the adventuring they have amassed just swept aside as of no value. Environmental crises: we have a lot of the technology we need. Innovators have invented cars which run on recycled cooking oil; fans that mimic nature’s own whirlpool shape and don’t waste energy in heat pollution. City councils have reduced property destruction by putting ‘victims’ (an elderly lady whose fence was defaced) in contact with ‘perpetrators’ (a young man with no strong female role models who is now required to do her gardening). It’s all about making the links.

    I feel life is abundant and we have all the solutions we need. We just need to communicate. Including opening ourselves to the grief, anguish, wit and anger of our own hearts as well as the hearts of those around us. A patriarchal or matriarchal community survives on kingship – one central figure whose loss (hello, North Korea) causes everything else to dissolve into chaos. A sustainable community thrives on kinship – many weak links – like the internet. When the Egyptian government tried to shut down the web, there were plenty of individuals offering their own broadband accounts, opening phone lines etc to find ways round. This is subtle and powerful. It reminds me of language, perhaps the ultimate democracy outside of death itself.

    Language is not built by any one person: it is a treasure trove collected by many hands. Anyone can invent a word – Shakespeare has, Margaret Thatcher has, I have. No one can dictate that their word shall remain in use, or mean what they declare it to mean. So on twitter I have also opened @dictionarme and @inventedword, the first: to invite new words invented by anyone, the second: to offer up words I have invented myself. I am interested to see how these new technologies will evolve. I suspect they will grow as a joint effort, with flashes of illumination cast by individuals. I suspect this is true of our world in general, if we are to survive.

    The longing for a messiah is understandable, but dangerous I think. If there is a god, it is all of us together. Us is god. We add up. We are each necessary. We each contribute something unique. Individual responsibility – that is, individual freedom of action – is for me one of the most joyous lessons life teaches.

    Perhaps this is a way forward for our giant interlocking crises as well. Energy: nuclear is an attempt at a silver bullet solution. It seems to me more likely we will work well with a patchwork, co-operative approach: stop wasting the 30% that burns off in heat and office buildings lit all night. Solar panel on every house. Wave power where there are powerful waves. Wind power where there is powerful wind. Similarly the water crisis: governments boast they are building “an $8bn desalination plant” to appease those who say, as though praying, “the Government’s gotta do something.” A gentler, more lasting and more effective solution again seems to lie in ‘a bit of each.’ Replace washers so your taps don’t drip. Move agriculture to areas where it is suited – no more growing rice in the desert. Industry to reduce waste. A water tank on every house. The wonderful thing about this approach is, it starts with me as well as you, we’re all in it together, and we can start now. Let’s.

  • mind your peas & queue

    I realise it is an insufferable habit to peer into other people’s shopping trolleys and make guesses about their state of torpor and poor little stolid fat inactive kids as a result. And many people would see it as high-handed that I carry a thick black marker for amending signage that has missed its apostrophe. Never mind that our language is a treasury built by unremembered hands, a hundred thousand folk poets who first said, “male and female bolts” and “I couldn’t have got a word in edgewise.”

    Never mind that our bodies are treasuries of soul, each body carting a soul never before seen & irreplaceable, and we are filling them up with stodge and sludge. (“Ahh… you’re not feeding that to your kids, are you? I mean, cos you realise that’s not actually food…”) As for that noxious petroleum dishwashing liquid that will induce a mild autism to make it easier for your little ones to sit a lifetime on the couch – just because it has a green dolphin on the label and is “now with added lemon juice” does not make it biodegradable. Unless you consider that ‘biodegradable’ really means just, ‘it will break down.’ In which case no worries – even nuclear waste is biodegradable, if you don’t mind waiting a few million years.

    Everything you buy matters. Everything you eat builds you. Everything we say builds our world and nothing matters more than that.

  • shaped like a fish

    Pouring out dry biscuits for the cat I wonder: why are they fish-shaped?  It can’t be for her sake.  She’s not thinking, Hey, this reminds me of a fish!  Cats don’t abstract.  So though she is attached to me, and will follow when I move to another room waiting to climb back onto my lap, what she feels for me is not actually love.  If I were tiny enough, she would eat me.

    On the first day of life-drawing class the teacher said, the mistake you all keep making is, you are trying to draw the outline.  ‘The outline is an abstraction,’ he pointed out: ‘it doesn’t exist.’  If you glance down at the page & look up again with your head on a different angle, the outline you have started to draw no longer makes sense.  As the model tires and her hand begins to droop, everything looks different.  Now the lines you have made are unhelpful; are, in fact, an obstacle.  Abstraction becomes an obstruction.

    One of the challenges in learning to draw for the first time, as an adult, is to see past your own expectation of what ‘a face’ looks like.  Two eyes, and they lie parallel.  What ‘a body’ looks like: breasts are round.  Deftly the drawing teacher made sketches as the model stood patiently naked.  ‘Abstraction,’ he said, ‘actually interrupts us from learning to really see what we are seeing – and draw from that.’

    A 14-month-old child visited this week, the day he had just said his first word.  ‘Dog,’ he said.  Now the cat, crunching her fish-shaped biscuits, was ‘dog’, the birds in the flowering gum were ‘dog’ – he had learned that there exists a class of creatures who are warm and independently mobile, but are not humans.  His first steps into the abstract: now he can invent and worship gods, make art, fall in love.  There were three little stuffed toys in a row on the windowsill which we gave him to play with.

    They are three pigs, collected from op shops, each one different entirely to the others.  One is of pink plush and sits upright, with long puppet arms and a curling tail made of felt. Another is stout, almost legless, and looks more like a piggy-bank.  As sketches they appear almost unrelated, yet the mysterious principle of pigliness unmistakably joins them.  The cat will never be hungry for biscuits just because they resemble fish.  But in a few more years little Harlo will look at this array of furry inanimates and say, ‘three pigs.’