Tag: baby

  • follow milk

    I learned a poetic new German word just now at the little health food shop. The man behind me had put just one item on the counter, a carton of Folgemilch. I asked him, “What is… follow milk?”

    “Well,” he began, and something about his tired, slightly harassed, but ever willing to be helpful expression and messy hair struck me with insight.

    “Is it… what you eat when you are done with drinking only milk?”

    I didn’t know how to say ‘breast milk’ let alone ‘solid food’ so I just said, only milk.

    “Exactly!” he said, and then used that pricelessly dear word Germans have for breastfeeding infants. “It’s for sucklings.”

    We both shifted our stuff along the counter as the person in front moved on.

    “So can you use it for other things, in general, like… I’m just having a beer as a followlunch?” I asked, hopefully.

    His brow clotted. “No. No, that is not right.”

    Learning German. It’s one-third flights of folk poetry, two-thirds ‘that is not right’ and ‘we simply don’t do it that way.’

  • camera ambulance

    Is it Germans who are so trusting, or just Berliners? A woman cycled up with her grandchild, I think grandchild, in a netted baby trailer and parked her bike under the tree where we were standing. We were waiting for the guy who repairs cameras, as I had dropped mine onto the cobblestones an hour before. His window was dusty and the handwritten sign promising, “Ich bin gleich wieder für Sie da,” was not convincing. Peering in I had the impression he maybe hadn’t been “there for us” in a century or more. The woman glanced up at the staircase leading into the house she as visiting. She glanced at us. “Sind Sie noch ein Paar Minuten da?”

    The child was sleeping and the stairs were steep: she clearly didn’t want to have to rouse him carry him, lock everything. Oh, yes, I said: we are waiting for the camera guy, we’ll be here a few more minutes, “wir passen auf Ihr Kind auf.” We will look after your child. Oh, thank you, she said, and bounded up the stairs – actually bounded – without so much as locking her bike.

    Is it Berliners who are so fit, or just Germans?

    The camera guy came strolling magnificently down the street carrying a little notepad. His belly was broad and his gait wide and easy. “That’s him,” said my partner, “it’s got to be.” And we were right – the guy pulled up outside the shop window and gazed at the small group which had gathered. “Ein richtiges Kamera-Party,” I said, we’re just having a bit of a camera party. He laughed, the sun is finally out and everybody is happy. The shop is called Camera Ambulance. Just as he was unlocking the door the grandmother came leaping down the stairs to collect her child. “Danke,” she said, and I told her cheerfully, “Der wollte nach München, um seine eigene Karriere zu folgen – ich habe ihn überredet.” He was keen to set off for Munich in pursuit of his own career – but I talked him out of it. “Ah! that’s a relief, many thanks,” she said, giving her fresh beautiful smile. On the cycle ride home we followed a woman with such a gloriously high round arse that as she was pedalling I turned to point her out to him, and he was on the verge of pointing her out to me. Berlin is filled with beauty. And babies. Perhaps it is not so much an attack of baby fever as the fact that all the babies who exist hereabouts already have now woken from their long sweet winter sleeps and taken to the streets, they are strolling in carriages, towed by their parents’ bikes, sitting nodding in half dozens in the large buckets on wheels by which local kindergartens transport their charges. If you gaze in at the window of a Kinderladen (a local ‘children shop’) you will see sweet little low tables with tiny chairs set with plates and sturdy cups, at which the Kinderladen staff crouch down to sit at child level, while everyone is served a proper hot lunch.

  • bullying

    On the bridge I pass two young women pushing prams walking with a guy chugging beer. They have their responsibilities, he has his beer. He is much larger than his baby mama, and in order that he can burp, twice, deliberately, right in her face, he has to crouch. Her head is down, she keeps pushing, and that is what makes me want to learn how to say in German: “You are in an abusive relationship.”

  • the littlest love

    I lost a baby last year, after a long time trying to conceive. It died inside me early without my knowing about it, so I carried the tiny corpse in my womb a few days, and was its grave. We had chosen our names, for a boy, for a girl. Every child is a girl at this stage. The doctor made his seven-week scan. I strained over his head, trying to see on the dark screen the tiny bean-shaped body for the first time. There was no heartbeat, only my own. The doctor pulled out his dildo-shaped scanner and wiped the condom off it with one movement. The condom he flung over his shoulder into the trash. “I’m afraid you’re not going to be taking home a baby this time,” he said.

    Later in his office, when I was dressed, he said airily, “Oh yes – one in two pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Didn’t you know?” I didn’t know. It occurs to me now this is just another way we brush aside the sorrows which affect women. We don’t talk about the griefs women carry. Miscarry. Give stillbirth to. Find dead in the cot. Incest, rape, infertility, assault.

    We were so excited going in for the scan. The first glimpse of the most important person in our adult lives; her first communication with us, through the tiny pounding of her heart. I had been watching the daily progress of this infinite darling in the form of diagrams showing the little heart finding its way, the spine beginning to form. These drawings seemed to me the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen on paper. On the screen I could not see anything, however tiny; I looked and looked. My partner held my hand. A sickened feeling of confusion very faintly took hold. The gynaecologist put out both his hands to pull me upright, as though I were an invalid. In such ways do insensitive people convey their empathy. This doctor liked to tell salacious jokes during intimate examination: we were already looking for another doctor, a better doctor, a woman. Earlier he had said, as he reefed the condom over his scanner, “I’m a mountain man. I like mountain women.” I had only just worked out, with a dull, sick feeling, that this was a pun, when he thrust the machine inside me and the scan started and the quiet unmoving bad news came in to rest. It has thus rested ever since. We are still not parents and our child is still unborn. I had not known before this how many of my friends had also suffered miscarriage and the loss of a child. How many still grieved. I had even felt intolerant, judgmental of the seeming sentimentality of these remembrances when they did appear, the candles, the flowers, the bears. Now I found myself applying this same non-compassion to my own grief. This piercing loneliness seared me from the first: after all I am hollow, I am alone in here. Oh how can you mourn something so early, barely a child. With its whole life ahead of it, just growing spine. Meanwhile the little cardboard box with its clot of bloodied fragments that I knelt over on the floor of the shower and howled, that I scooped up and wrapped in tissue paper then could not bring myself to bury, all alone in the cold dark ground, sits on my desk untouched, more than a year later. I have not been ready to let go.

     

     

  • dinner party from the sofa

    I was at a dinner party and came over all poorly. In fact I thought I might throw up and had to kind of bolt from the room. Must’ve been the Tramadol, an opiate fed to me by my beloved who had acquired it from his father, who suffers from extreme chronic pain. “They’re not really all that strong,” his father said airily. The headache that has been a companion for days now, for almost a week, had sharpened so if I turned my head it brought spasms of nausea. A small disagreement over breakfast had unexpectedly ballooned into a stand-up shouting match in this house where I am a new guest, pain in my belly from the sorrow of it all day. So I succumbed. “Take the other half, too,” he said when the pain did not ebb. Twenty minutes later we were at this party on the other side of the little winding road where the family live scattered in houses like little farms and I started to feel most peculiar. You know that dizzy sweating pressure that comes with acute nausea. Anyway I sat it out and everyone was kind and generous, including the two people who’d yelled at me. What I wanted to say was that the feeling of lying under a soft scarlet blanket on the long sofa in the living room, with a paper Christmas star beaming down on me and a row of red candles in the casement unlit, was so cosy and comforting I felt a whole mess of worries and griefs slowly melt and slide away. The heating was not on in this other room and the chill in the air felt to me healthy and fresh, deeply deeply invigorating. The sounds of communion and chatter from next door were so soothing and a delight. Over the adult voices and faint music I could hear the joyous prinkling of the little girl who was drifting in her seabed of uterine privacy when we were last here, who is thoughtful and nachdenklich, reflective, and has hair the colour of threshed wheat. They brought me a heat pack for my neck, they saved me some dessert. When we came out after our hugs the stars were so clear and so high and the sky had opened itself to the night, the heavens upon us, the peaked white houses standing about like sleeping horses, the night seemed to me sacred and blessed and the row of long needling trees threading the sky along the winding road into the distance led, one could tell, into all good, mysterious things. The white dog made a flickering song of joy along the slick black road as we wound our way home, breathing visibly.

  • hole in a glacier

    Climbed a mountain today in a steep mist. We had to cross a lake to get to it, this was from Lucerne, shared a table on board with a godfather and grandfather and their little charge, who had unbelievably long eyelashes. After his biscuit and orange juice he grew sleepy, the godfather pointed, showing me, “See? his pupils get smaller,” and when they handed him his favourite thing, a green handkerchief called Noushy, he made a point of the corner of it and prodded himself thoughtfully in the ear with that. Then he brought it to his opposite palm and touched himself gently, thoughtfully several times in the middle of his little pink palm with the handkerchief point; then back to the ear; to the hand.

    All four of us were laughing at him in the gentlest possible way. They said, he always does this: Handkerchief in the ear, handerchief in the hand. The little boy’s nickname was Noushy, too. What a solemn little fellow.

    At the far side of the long and complicated lake that covers it seems several counties, and incorporates a steep-sided volcanic-island-looking outcrop that appears as if it would house a villain from James Bond in an eyrie reached only by helicopter, we reached a tiny town like a picture. Having late lunch there after our descent we saw a freshly married couple get off the same boat and start up the hill towards the only hotel, wheeling one small suitcase. She was still carrying her bouquet but had changed into a chic red frock matched with hot pink spike-heeled shoes. The bell of her hair swung forward every time she looked down at her flowers. At the souvenier shop they paused to talk to an elderly lady and then the bride tucked her hand under the groom’s arm and they climbed upward again.

    Upward, upward; windward, snowward. Most of our climbing was done by train and part of it was done on foot. The train is scarlet and shiny, groaning and steep. A series of steel teeth run up the centre of the line to prevent the loaded car from sliding backwards. We got out and walked into a mist that raced down the sides of the mountain exactly as cold air snakes out of a fridge. In the mist we passed a large group of botanists standing with heads bowed as they listened to their group leader, who had crawled under the fence to grab a flower, describing something green and rare. Or something common and brown, I couldn’t tell which, to me Swiss German is an impenetrable dialect. Higher up we passed a woman in sturdy walking boots but dressed in immaculate white pants and a spotless white shirt. We passed many couples on alpenstocks, the cleated walking sticks you use on steep hills, wearing serious but also immaculate hiking gear. So many cows crowded round the dairy that was shaped like an after-ski chalet their bells clattered like a Tibetan or Bulgarian choir. My friend said, the farmer knows the sound, he can tell if one bell is not sounding. On our way back down from the sightless summit, where we had sat for an hour watching mist spurl round the base of the huge communications tower, one of those farmers left his house and picking up a sagging rucksack lying in the open doorway went striding down the hill, looking well-fed and cheerful. He lept the electric fence. We were both wishing we’d brought extra jumpers but this mountain man was dressed in surfer shorts and a dark blue t-shirt. In the tunnel into the summit that leads, mysteriously and lightedly, to a great double-doored lift that brings you up inside the giant restaurant and hotel, it was so cold I wanted to suck on my fingertips. I remembered touching the icy wet wall as we walked into a hole cut in a glacier when I was ten. It wasn’t so cold as that but the chill of forboding forbad me to wander any farther into the leaden heart of this mountain, I had to turn back towards the light.

    On the restaurant terrace I watched a woman who looked like Yootha Joyce smoke a cigarette after her meal. Her husband didn’t smoke and it was pretty evident from the way she took in the smoke that this was the love of her life. Her lips pursed on the orange cork-patterned filter sucked and fondled at it so slowly, so intently, I almost felt had she not had a hold of it with her long fingers the entire cigarette would have flown into her windpipe. It was like she was finally breathing. “Please fit your own mask before helping others.” The movement of her cheek muscles, langorous and strong, made me think of the little boy Noushy who had fallen asleep on the ferry.

    After the ride back down and our lunch we walked around the pretty foreshore. The Rigi, the mountain we had been on, is called by the Swiss “queen of mountains” and is where in 1903 I think the surveying process began. They built a marker there and from it measured to another mountaintop, and then a third, and then they triangulated. Now they have mapped out all of the surrounding peaks and beautiful etched steel landscapes showed what we would have seen had we been able to see anything. A sign cut into a steel plate fixed on the ground said, Sydney 16520km, with an arrow.

    The train down was filled with elderly people, many of them German. The town at the bottom is like a clam growing at the base of a mighty pier. Evidently people honeymoon there. The red and white striped awnings and terraced cafe feel so 1950s I kept fantasizing Sophia Loren was about to saunter around the corner, or maybe Frank Sinatra. It felt like Monaco. In the foreshore park a semi-circle of chairs faced a three-walled corrugated iron shed. A trio was playing, tiredly, dispiritedly, and on the concrete apron in front was an overdressed lady slowly spinning her plump son, chivvying in a sing-song voice, as though making a bear dance. The music was awful. Saccharine and slowed. As we walked past I said to my friend, It’s like the world’s dreariest private function. Writing that, now, I add in my head: I don’t mean all of Switzerland.

     

  • the little swanlings

    On the lake, ducks and ducklings, geese and goslings, and a pair of swans bobbed about with the tiny grey morsels of fluff my dyslexic ex used to call ‘swanlings.’ “Look, Oel! A mamma and a pappa swan… and all the little swanlings.”

     

  • Jared Diamond

    Jared Diamond

    Picked up the most marvellous book, it’s by Jared Diamond & it’s about traditional societies (which, he points out, survive in partial form in even the most harried industrialized landscape and were universal to us until 11,000 years ago: a blip). He says how some things ‘modernity’ does better and some things, tradition. Like a bolt of cloth falling from a high shelf it struck me when he pointed out that all of psychology is based on a very narrow sample: mostly, undergraduate American psychology students, who were the ones most available to undergo tests and to fill out questionnaires. He cites the acronym WEIRD: Westernized, educated, industrialized, rich, democratic.

    The name of this book is The World Until Yesterday. How people picked up their babies and carried them upright with lots of body contact. Babies learned the world at eye level. How your chances of being killed by falling out of a tree or by having a tree fall on you were rather high. When I was a child in Jakarta we heard about a tribal man to the north, coming home from the village meeting through the familiar jungle who was eaten, whole, by a large snake. His body was cut out of its belly entire after the animal was captured.

    H2O HoL fist with keys & grass

  • Neil Young’s baby

    Neil Young’s baby

    This cafe has changed its muserly, miserly, whispery music for Neil Young. He owns the business. His voice is quiet but sure and it penetrates. People gain confidence in such good musical hands, or seem to, and soon the hushed conversation level has risen like water roaring and the blond baby sitting on his mamma’s lap inside the window has piped up too, being part of things. “Ahb!” he says, dancing his feet: “Ah, ahb!”

    H2O HoL breakfast candle